...about yesterday's sad ending, 'bout the water in me whiskey, the brass passed off as gold--'another round'-- we're descending into old time mem'ry, of a day when wood was wooden, silver, silver, gold was gold, sweet home was home."
I've known for a long time that I don't handle change well. Some of you reading this are aware of many times I've taken the 'scenic route' when driving somewhere because I'm used to a certain road. I have horrible anxiety when I take a route I'm unfamiliar with. I was raised to be very cautious. Leaving my comfort zone makes it difficult to be cautious, I don't know what I'm looking for! Well, I'm moving 561 miles away from everything I know in 3 days. If I really let my mind delve into the thought of it...I get very lightheaded...dizzy...sick feeling. Fortunately, I'm so busy getting ready for the actual move, I don't have much time to think about it at all. Instead, I'm just exhausted.
Oh, and apparently pigs can fly because something I deemed impossible definitely happened. Holy mother of god.
I suppose this blog has just turned into a psychological journey. Seeing what happens when I force myself to do things I am (and always have been) petrified of doing. Leaving everything, starting over. And I thought that training myself to remain breathing and to not scream when I encounter a spider was difficult. HA!
I'm all "grown up" and it's time to get a move on in my life. I have an apprenticeship to find and finish. I have a professional career to build. I have a business to start. Employees to hire. A family to start and raise. Panic to set it! Haha. At the same time, though, I also have books to read, music to listen to, people to meet, a city to explore and someone to care for and to care for me in return. Those are the kinds of comforting thoughts that I try to remind myself of when I start getting overwhelmed.
Hate to say it, but I'm going to miss Mac's Bar. And Espresso Royale. East Lansing in the summertime. Climing the Ledges in Grand Ledge. Climbing beneath the traintracks behind Denny's at night with some friends while the train passes overhead. Going on walks with a friend when it's 75 degrees out, starting in the middle of E.L. and just wandering until we get lost, then finding our way back 2 hours later. Working at the most awesome job ever. Monday nights at Necto. The Trumbullplex. The house shows at the Good Time Gang house. The parties after Bermuda Mohawk shows at the Cancer House. Even House of Our Lord (1994). And Basement 414. Stobers. Busking in the summer. Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Sun Theater around Halloween. Corey's birthday/Carrie's birthday/New Years at the Dome. Truck's New Year's speeches. Watching band practices in Tony's basement.
-sigh-
Granted, I have lots of boring days in Michigan, and I'm really not getting anywhere here, and summer only lasts about 2 months...I'm going to miss those 2 months like nobody's business.
There's lots more to add to this entry, but it's the end of my 3rd to last shift at work ever. And now I'm off to spend time with Vee. Then Carrie and Jill. Then dye my hair. Then do my laundry. Oy vey.
Soooo much going on lately. Where do I begin?
Let's just make a list of reasons as to why I'm stressed out. I'm making this post for me, I apologize for the rant!
1) I only have a few days left in Michigan. I've been bugging people to hang out for the past month. Suddenly, the last week I'm here, everyone wants to do stuff.
2) That wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have a ton of things to do this week already. Like 2 months worth of laundry...cleaning out the abyss (my car)...working until the last day I'm here...job hunting...lots of legal stuff...bluh.
3) The few people I have said my 'good-bye's to-well, those hang outs made it really sink in that I'm leaving, and although I'm excited to move, it was extremely depressing. I didn't realize how much I'm going to miss some of the things here. You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone!
4) Some friends of mine turned out to royally suck. They would decide to do this right before I leave. -facepalm-
5) For anyone else that doesn't know, well, let me explain. I have Low Serotonin Syndrome. This causes a whole slewww of issues. Serotonin causes your body to function properly (for a lack of better words). When under stress, serotonin is supposed to kick in to keep you relatively sane and feeling fine. I lack serotonin, so when I'm under stress, I start getting physically ill, have bad headaches, fatigue (or insomnia, it varies), and I have trouble remembering things that I should NOT be forgetting (Working, eating, etc). Stuuupiiid.
6) I need to come up with $300 for rent by the 28th or as close to that amount as possible. I also told James that I'll pay for utilities while I'm jobless in TN. Simply because I know that the job situation is causes problems for them down in TN, and seeing as I have SOME funds left, I thought I'd help out. I know it'll come back to me eventually, but for right now, I really can't afford it...so...when I get there, I'll be almost completely broke. Lovely.
7) I wouldn't be so bent out of shape about it if my computer's charger didn't die last night. Made it to Best Buy 20 minutes before they closed and threw away almost $100.
8) All of these 'hang outs' I'm having with the exception of one is going to cost me money. I'm not happy about that.
9) I was planning on going to TN with $1000. Then $700. Then $500. Minus $300. That's $200. I need my tax returns to come back to me ASAP. -whimper-
10) I want to find a retail job that will let me keep all of my piercings in. I bought retainers for them just incase I have serious trouble finding a place to work...I have a feeling I'll be wearing those stupid piercing retainers.
11) I won't have a car when I'm there. Nor will I have a bike when I get there. So...my job opportunities better be within a 3 mile radius of the apartment.
12) I. hate. change.
13) I need a few hundred dollars to fall from the sky and it's never going to happen.
14) I have a choir audition the first week I get to TN. Holy. Crap. Normally I wouldn't be bothered because I've worked with a vast majority of the directors in the Michigan area. None of the directors in TN have any idea what I've done. My sight reading ability has reached a record low. -nervous-
Anyway...yeah, I just needed to get that out there. If I seem a bit snippy lately, that's why.
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